07/20/2025 | tate-abrahamson | #from_life

There’s a red wine ring around my mouth. I have an intense thirst for change. I want to pack up all of my belongings and move. I picture an apartment alone, even though its hard not to have roommates during these times. I picture a room in a house with friends. A shared yard. A table. A living room that is a mosaic of personalities. I drink wine and I think about change and I think about passion. I think about how our childhood interests and hobbies fulfill us as adults. I loved reading, writing, drawing, and photography. I made books often. An ice cold water after wine. A return to the self. I think of what I would take and what I would leave behind if I left tomorrow. What would fit in my car? What do I need? Who is the “I” of now? What surrounds her? It’s easy for me to say what my cat needs:

• a set of heart shaped bowls, pink and white, that read “spoiled” and “rotten”
• a picnic basket full of her toys (minus the ones strewn across my floor)
• the toys strewn across my floor (a fish, a ball, two wands with ghosts on the ends, and a sleep mask that she has claimed as her own)
• scratching post
• food
• treats
• medicine
• harness + leash
• and her carrier.

It’s harder for me to say what I need. It depends on the mood I’m in, I suppose. Lately, I dream of purging myself of most my belongings. I picture that apartment in New York City. That bedroom in Los Angeles. I think of my car and cardboard boxes. Books, plants, pens, paper, my cat.

I’ve been trying to find myself through my belongings.

And I feel I have reached an ascension of sorts. A lightness in my chest - a sureness in my bones that my head would like communicated. I dream of financial freedom and work and progress. I dodge responsibility when I should not. I look for change, yet I’m avoiding putting it in play. I pretend I would have more drive, more clarity, if I was in a new city, with less belongings. I search for myself in the absence of material that lies in sunlight on water. I wait for the storm to strike my soul as rain runs down my legs and my cat hides from the thunder.